I am no longer a lady of leisure. With Uni over and done with for yet another year, I definitely needed to fill my time with something - in my case it being pints of Carling, cappuccinos and smothered chicken back at beautiful Birchwood. Despite moaning about work I do actually enjoy my job. Everyone moans. About work. About everything. Yet customers at a restaurant seem to be the top offenders. The best comment last week: "the onion was a bit too oniony". Not only did they say this, they said it after ordering 'extra onion' on a cheese sandwich. Just stay at home. Please.
Lately I've realised people assume that as I'm there to serve them, I must be able to cater to their every need. If this was true I'd have had to sleep with the Scouser that told me I was gorgeous three times yesterday after numerous vodka and cokes. This is what I'm talking about - spatial awareness. Barmaids such as the ones in Coyote Ugly might be okay with rubbing their boobs in your face, but this is Cas, and if you hold onto my hand when I give you your change once more I'm going to have to slap you. Scenarios like that only happen in films. I'm not going to dance on the bar for you. Get over it. Another example (although with better intentions than the Scouser) - taking a mans order at the till he suddenly reached over and took hold of my wrist. He must have only had hold of me for about 2 seconds but to me it felt like an hour. Any longer and I'd have screamed 'TAKE THE MONEY JUST DON'T HURT ME!' Eventually he told me my tattoo was very nice and in an unusual place. I thanked him. I didn't tell him I thought it was a hold up. Where do I think I am? An episode of Murder in Suburbia!?
The conversational aspect of working in a restaurant has to be my favourite. The amount of people I see in one day is great and you couldn't write some of the things that happen. It never gets old. Shall I tell you what does? Approaching a table, carrying their order and opening with the words "I've got a well done rump". You can imagine the response. "OH HAHAHAHAHAHA HAVE YOU!? HAHAHAHAHAHA". Yes. Hilarious. Needless to say I've altered the way I proffer the steak.
Spatial awareness with kids is difficult at the best of times. Try explaining to Little Tommy that if he runs at someone carrying three plates of food Little Tommy will have the contents of those plates all over his head and Little Tommy won't be so happy when he's crying in A&E with third degree burns from a gravy boat. WILL HE!? My suggestions are Little Tommy's parents shouldn't use the play area as a way of getting half an hours respite from the little fricking sweetheart! A few infant onlookers did learn their lesson the other day however, when an undisciplined three year old came zooming at me on a baby bike, only to get a hefty knee in the face from yours truly. I'm sorry I couldn't see over the Lasagne I was carrying. Fine. I'm not sorry. But it shut him up and resigned him to his seat for the next hour. See. He learnt a valuable lesson. What's the saying? You've got to be cruel to be kind? Damn, I should be a teacher.
The other thing I'm great at is pulling the OAP's. Nobody my own age. Nobody attractive. No. The over 60's. The other day one Grandad made me stand at the table while he asked the other members of his family 'Look, isn't she beautiful?' His daughter finally shut him up when she noticed the pink in my cheeks was from embarrassment, not blusher. Old Roger probably just thought I was radiant. I was humiliated and only trying to clear your plates. Unless you're from Premier, I ain't interested.
As for 'the customer is always right'. Perrrrrrlease!
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